learning to comfort

Brian had surgery yesterday. The night before we had an argument. Well, I told him how I felt- I am angry and unhappy and all of the reasons why- and he just looked at me with a blank stare. I think he is almost completely dead inside, he has no emotions. Or, he is just so passive and hopes that if he doesn't say anything to further anger me, I'll just get over it.

I took him for surgery at 6:00 a.m. and then Madeline and I came home. We were both very tired so I tried to give her a nap early. It didn't work. I tried for an hour and just became so frustrated that I actually had to walk out of the room and away from her. I was angry, but it wasn't her fault, and I didn't want to yell at her for something that she did not cause. I went and sat on the end of the bed in another room and just started sobbing. I haven't cried in such a long time and I certainly haven't cried that hard.

I was so overcome with my emotions that Madeline went downstairs looking for me and I couldn't even call out her name to tell her where I was. I was paralyzed. She eventually came upstairs and found me sobbing. She said, "Hi mama, what you doing?" and then she saw I was crying, so held my hands and crawled into my arms. She wrapped her arms around my neck and patted my back. Then she looked at me, watched my tears, and pulled her sleeve over her hand and wiped my face and nose.

It was one of the sweetest moments I have ever experienced. So I hugged her tightly and cried harder. Then she told me it was time to go downstairs, so I had to pull it together and take care of her.