Bye Mama, see you later

Madeline and I are both adjusting to having Lillian around. We are both learning how to be around each other again and we are learning how to make things work. Madeline is still just wonderful with her sister, but she is a little angry with me. It really makes me sad to see her hurt or to see her turn away from me when I can't do what it is that she wants me to do because I am busy with Lillian. For the longest time, it was just me and Madeline. We were attached to each other, practically inseparable, and she often wanted no one but me. Now, she is forming closer relationships with her dad and other family and friends. I am having a little bit of a hard time letting her go.

Madeline was invited to our neighbors house a couple of weeks ago. They have an 8 year old daughter, also named Madeline, and she adores my daughter. They came over to get my Madeline and she turned to me and said, "Bye Mama, see you later." and she walked out of the door without even looking back. She stayed at their house for three hours and had dinner there. It is the first time she has gone to play (other than family and close friends) without me taking her and staying with her. And, she was fine with it. I was a mess and felt so left out.

I know that I am being a bit dramatic but it is so hard to let other people have time with Madeline. It is hard to not be her number one person all of the time. Because her sister demands so much of my time, Madeline is really enjoying getting to do special things. Tonight she is spending the night with her Nana and couldn't wait to get out of the door and get to her house. But, I miss her when she is not around.

I know we both need a break from each other and I know it is good for both of us but she is still my little baby. I just keep watching her become more and more independent. I guess that is what it is going to be like to watch her grow up but I am not sure how I am going to make it because she is only 2 and 1/2 and I am already sad.......

There is also an immense amount of guilt. I feel that I am ignoring her, that she is watching too much tv, that I am taking out some undeserved frustration on her. I just want to hug her and fall asleep next to her like we used to and I can't do that. Lillian is a very demanding little baby because she is often fussy. I guess we will figure it out. I just have to make sure that Madeline and I get to do something together sometimes, just the two of us.