The concern of good friends

I have had a few of my good friends tell me that they read my blog and were concerned because I seem so sad. Thank you for your thoughts.

Things seem a little better lately. I am not so much sad as I am disappointed with Brian. I am disappointed in our relationship and his parenting (or lack there of). It has been pretty stressful around here because of issues with Madeline's daycare, her being sick, Brian having two surgeries in a row, Brian's brother moving in and me trying to finish up my last semester of school. Maybe things will get better after I graduate and can stay at home and take care of some things. I am not really convinced though.

I had a talk with Brian on Friday night and explained to him why I am so unhappy and that I plan to take the kids and leave him if things do not change. I have already talked with my grandparents in New Mexico and they said they would be happy to have me and the girls come to stay with them for as long as I need. It is a very real possibility. I don't plan to do anything until the fall but I have no reason to believe Brian will make any effort to make changes or to make our relationship better by then.

I refused to go to his parents' house for Easter because I finally realized that I do not have any obligation to them, and I shouldn't do everything Brian wants just to accomodate him. He doesn't do it for me. So from now on, I won't do anything I don't want to do. Maybe that will get through to him--after several times of not taking Madeline to visit her grandparents. Probably not.

Things were getting better between us, we bought a house and decided to have another baby. I don't know what happened. I guess that because he has the sole responsibility of the finances (my name is not on the deed so I refuse to pay for the house) he feels he is in control or he does more than I do around here. Also, my financial aid has run out so now I am dependent on him. This has turned him into even more of an asshole about money (something I didn't think was possible). He makes me feel inferior to him and insignificant. I honestly believe I could walk out of his life and he wouldn't care. It makes me feel awful.

Also, he does not put his family (meaning the one he is creating with me) first. He is selfish and often only thinks about himself and then comes accomodating his immediate family. His brother, for example, is staying with us until he gets an apartment when his wife moves to Pittsburgh in June. I told Brian that he should be out of here before the baby comes home because we are going to be busy and I will be uncomfortable with his brother here. It will be a huge adjustment and I will need to recover, but Brian just doesn't care. Brian said he wouldn't as his brother to leave because that would be rude. Well, his brother is working from our home in Madeline's playroom. He is always here and always downstairs. Brian loves it, they watch fucking sports all damn day long, drink beer and chew tobacco.

He expects me to take care of two small children (and possibly the neighbors newborn a few days a week) with his brother in the other room trying to work. Ok. The babies will be sleeping downstairs so he will have to be quiet and I will be breastfeeding. I am not walking upstairs to feed my infant, so his brother will either need to move out, move his workspace or get used to seeing my boobs. I also refuse to keep Madeline out of her playroom.

Not only am I disappointed in him, I am fucking angry.

I am certainly not blameless in this mess and I am certainly not the victim. But, he doesn't make me very happy. At the same time, I have realized I am not in love with him. When I look at him I don't feel anything. I could love him and make this family work because that is what I want to do, but it will have to take initiative on his part and some continual effort from both of us.

I have started to look for jobs. I was going to stay at home with the kids so they wouldn't have to be in daycare but I don't think I will be able to live here if things don't improve. Madeline is so mean to Brian and sometimes even says that she doesn't like him. I know that she can sense my feelings and she picks up on my behavior. Brian and I are very rarely affectionate and we don't often communicate. This is not a healthy environment for Madeline to be in. So, job searching has started. I just need to make enough to move out and support two little girls!